Aiight I can't write on my actual blog on MySpace because my best friends and family members read that shit. As soon as I write a private blog for a preferred list or to myself - I get shit from everyone..all worried that they did something wrong.
So anyway - I duno who I am. lol I come back to England with life breathed into me.. they saved my life over there.
I read through my last blog I wrote on here the other day, and told my best friend about the bit where I wasn't sure if she was a sister to me anymore...I have no idea what made me write that- cos I can't remember her upsetting me at all.
Then we were talking about when I was an addict, and she explained why she was so upset the night I left for USA - it's because she thought I might never come back. A) By enjoying myself so much or B) I would die over there. This was strange because for some reason - I used to think I would too.
I'm definitly a new person - Kaz left a bottle of Jamesons in my room about 3 weeks ago for us another time, and I haven't even unscrewed the cap for a sniff. I haven't even thought about it until her and I spoke about it yesterday so it hasn't even been a struggle. I mean, I still drink...but in a completely different way - because I wasn't an alcoholic...meaning I wasn't completely dependable on alcohol...but I was definitly getting there. That's why I can still drink now.
So that was just nostalgia..
But now, ok I used to be Straight. Then Bisexual - then I was with a guy and I was sure I was straight again...plus my best mate expressed her 'straightness' one night when we kissed.. so I went along with her and declared my straightness too. Since then, I have always 'appreciated beauty' in females.. and I always knew I'd fuck girls no prob but I couldn't see myself falling in love. Along came Jerry, he was my man for life. He still is. Since he passed - I find it difficult thinking of being with another man... but I did get a little 'over-friendly' we'll say with a girl I met this summer. Now, I don't know what I am. I'd gladly say I'm Bisexual for sure if I could but I'm afraid of being judged mainly by my family.. my friends would be fine with it.
My aunt doesn't let her kids see her sister because she is a lesbian. Thats wrong. She said she 'finds the whole homosesxuality thing disgusting' I had no idea she felt like that.
Ever since I got home I've been like, proving my straightness because my family know I went to an all nude strip club more than 3x a week over there, with my two moms. SO because of them, and the club and getting lapdances, I thinkmy family think I'm gay.
I don't want to be a closet case for ever. But I also feel that without being with a girl for real, relationship - how do I know what sexuality I am without trying both all the way?
Argghhh my mind is a mess.
