Why am I finding making a video so freaking hard for me to do??? Is it because its a reminder of how I lost touch with my family and never got to say Goodbye to my cousin before she died?? Is it because I never got to tell her how much she meant to me in my life?? I lost touch with everyone when my dad passed away. He was with me one minute gone the next without any warning. The depression I suffer from this traumatic episode is so incredibly great still after almost 13 years!! I cry everyday for the chance for my children to meet their grandfather. A day I know will NEVER come. I hide my grief behind a fake smile. Never bringing it to the surface!! My dad was my life my world!! I was a daddys girl and still am to this very day!! I was the only one with him when he fell in the hospital after getting a blood test done and died. An 18 yr old girl alone in the hospital unable to reach anyone in her family. Not even her mother or brother. An 18 yr old girl crying out to her dad to please stay with her and not leave her side. An 18 yr old girl who felt ALONE in the world without her dad. I still greatly miss him. Why did I let him down??? Why wasnt I able to be at his side after he fell?? Why didnt I tell him that day that I loved him and that he hung the moon in my eyes. He was the strongest man I have ever known in my life. The only man I ever knew who could take a disability and find the positive points in it. A man who loved his family so dear that he cheated death 7 times before. I want him back so incredibly bad and I know that that is an impossible dream. Its so hard to believe that he gone never to touch another life again like he had touched so many others. A prankster never to tell another joke. Why must the good die young?? Why did he have to be taken away and my children left with a grandfather that doesnt even care to know their names after 10 and 7 years??? I sometimes question what people call FAITH.... what kind of God would take such a wonderful man away from a loving family and leave a worthless piece of shit on the face of this earth. My dads death affected everyone!! My cousin Emily was one of his biggest fans!! I remember comforting her after his death. Holding her hand while she asked why her Uncle Tommy was taken away from her. Only to have her life taken away eight years later. All I can hope is that they are together once again and looking down on me and my family. I regret going into hibernation after my dads death. I missed out on so much with all my family. Not only Emmy. But what was I to do I was only 18 and lost the most important man in my life, the greatest man I ever knew. He was one I could turn to with any problem and he never judged, talk to him about anything and everything. The one man that stood 6 ft 4 that intimitaded the boys who were taking his precious lil girl out on a date. The one man that protected me and took care of me when I was sick!! The man I remember cheering above the crowd when his lil girl walked across the stage at any graduation she ever had. The one man that I fear I disappointed because all he wanted was to see his lil girl graduate from college but instead quit because she couldnt handle his death. I deal with this everyday. But he is my saving grace, my hero, the one that has gotten me to go back to college after 13 years. Hoping that I have made him proud with what all I have accomplished in my life. I know he would be. He was proud of me no matter what I did. Even if I did it wrong the first time. DADDY I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!! I HOPE TO MAKE YOU PROUD OF YOUR LIL GIRL BY GRADUATING COLLEGE LIKE YOU WANTED ME TOO!!
