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Yesterday would have been Ceilidh's third birthday. She died sometime overnight between the 4th and 5th of December, 2006, and we found out about her death during a routine ultrasound on the morning of the 5th. It was marginally sunny when we arrived, but snowing when we left. Some people might think the snowfall after hearing about our daughter's death was a bit like adding insult to injury, but Jen and I know differently. We love snow, and to us, the snowfall on that morning was Ceilidh's way of brightening an otherwise sad day for us...she was "decorating" Mommy and Daddy's life in her own way.
We took that night to absorb the news that we'd lost our little girl, and to make the inevitable and heartbreaking phone calls to family. The next evening we were admitted to Women and Infants' Hospital in Providence RI, to induce labor. Jen was then in labor for the better part of four days, and on the 9th, Ceilidh's tiny little body entered this world.
Now, yesterday on her third birthday, we had more snow...the first significant snow of the season for our area. Looking at the weather from a practical viewpoint, it was raw, and the snow was wet and sticky. Great snowball snow, but miserable for just about anything else. On Ceilidh's birthday, we can't look at it practically. To us, just having snow on this day, ANY kind of snow, means that Ceilidh is watching over us and doing her part to make it a better day for us.
We did have a dusting a few days ago, and we took Connor out in it to play, but it was JUST a dusting and frozen by the time we got outside, so we really can't count it as Connor's first real snow playtime. The first chance he's ever had to really have fun in the snow happened on his sister's birthday, and that made yesterday even better than the snow alone does!
It seems every year one thing or another happens on December 9th to ease the pain and help get us through the day. This year it was brother and sister, in a sense playing together in the snow for the first time. I've never been prouder to be a dad, and I'm just as proud of both of my children.
Elsie, our dog, joined in on the fun, because it was intended to be her morning walk anyway. Watching her run around like a maniac while Connor laughed just as maniacally made the whole dreary, wet, cold morning just a little bit magical. Normally Elsie is like a frightened little neurotic Pomeranian in a 62 pound Ibizan Hound body, so seeing her racing around, happy as could be, chasing Ceilidh while Connor eggs her on...I couldn't imagine a better way to start what should be a very sad day for me and Jen.
I imagine many parents who lose a baby (or any child, regardless of age) DO get very sad around their child's birthday, especially if the date of the child's death is so close to his or her birthday. For us, there will always be a touch of sadness, but we believe Ceilidh makes an effort every day to make sure our sadness is tempered...I'll go so far as to bet we could prove it if you're willing to look at things through our eyes. It just so happens that yesterday, on her birthday, her effort was obvious. And the effect is far-reaching and prieless.
Mommy and Daddy love you Ceilidh. Happy Birthday!
