Once you have a PhD every meeting you go to is a doctor's appointment

O-H

Global warming my ass

Anyone on Trivia Crack?

It's sad this new generation of kids won't know what it means to be kind, and rewind

I miss pull down maps

So what happens next?

Allergies and a hang over. No bueno

A word to the wise isn't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I give you the power to ask me one question to my inbox. I will give an honest answer to all. Set this as your status to see what kind of questions you get

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this

My brother says hello. So, hooray for speech therapy

4am is lame

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns he state into a gay dungeon-master

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, New to me

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

So I ran 3 miles today. Finally I said "Lady, you can have your purse back."

Going bonkers. Who's coming with me?