Shutting it down and signing off. It's been fun Fubar!

Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.

I hate hipsters! Their smug faces and beady eyes, and vegan diet. I hate their tiny feet, and their sawdust beds....oops, I mean hamsters. I hate hamsters.

As you get older, funerals start to double as reunions.

It's racial profiling when a waiter in a Chinese restaurant gives me a fork.

To whoever hacked my phone and saw my pictures- serves you right!

I'm in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don't really have Tourette's.

I've decided that unless someone comes from the future to stop me, my decisions must be sound.

Is the gym supposed to smell like misery and regret?

A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.

My nickname at work is, "I thought you got fired".

After incorrectly spelling my symptoms at least 100 times, WebMD kicked back "Listen idiot, you're drunk. Just go lay down"...

My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end.

My retirement plan is just $1,000 and a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day..

I woke up to drink some water in the middle of the night and I accidentally ate a whole pizza and a cheesecake.

How do you know a white girl is drunk? She'll tell you 43 times

Please don't leave that cake alone with me

I'm posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they're making ceramic bowls.

If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.

Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help....