It's pretty obvious you are not wearing pants. We are not fooled!

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But if it runs out, I'll drink the red.

"You don't want to see the rest of the world. If Walmart is full of assholes, what do you think France is like? "

Boobs, they're like tactical weapons, only squishier.

There is no angry way to say bubbles. But you should probably warn the people sitting near you that you plan to give it a go.

Apparently appealing to my uterus, any daydreams of millions of genie bucks, and suggesting aggressive "patriotic" themed "honesty" is how this year is going to go. Magneto would round this race right out.

First the tank, then the plane and now they got a spaceship!?!

Roses are red. Violets are crap. No S.O. for Valentine's Day? Fap Fap Fap.

The Republican Debate makes me want to get white girl wasted.

haha, "there's no debauchery like end of the world debauchery. Your lips, my lips, APOCALYPSE! "

I make bad decisions because I had nothing better to do at the time. I repeat them because I liked it.

If you were rated an '11' then rerated, don't take it personally. My attention is broken.

How will you die? Fellated by hugs. WTF Jesús!?!

Boring Tuesday? Try convincing someone that you cannot order a stripper with an iced machiatto from Dunkin Donuts while you wait in line.

Turns out, I'll never cut it as a cable guy.

Thank you all for helping me level!

I need 5 different people to buy me in the next 24 hours to level. You can keep it cheap.

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

My son mentions the neighborhood strays didn't get into our garbage last night and my nephew walks in just as I telk him, "if anyone asks it's turkey." Like he needed one more reason to add yet another story starring yours truly in his future therapy journal.

I'm thankful for holiday pay.