Great webcam you got there!

Silence is golden, Duct Tape is silver!

Wife: "Do you see that drunk guy?". Husband: "Yes. Who is he?". Wife: "He proposed to me 10 years ago and I rejected him." Husband: "Oh my God! He's still celebrating!”

If we were meant to talk more than listen, we would have two mouths and one ear.

Bad decisions make good stories.

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

It's better to be an optimist who is sometimes wrong than a pessimist who is always right

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people!

She kept screaming "Give it to me, give it to me, I'm so damned wet!" So I looked at her in the eyes & said "Lady, I don't know you & you're not getting my umbrella." Be careful who you stand by on a city corner in the rain.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it took only 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true.

Fads have done more harm than revolutions.

Of all the strange “crimes” that humanity has legislated out of nothing, “blasphemy” is the most amazing—with “obscenity” and “indecent exposure” fighting it out for second and third place.

ignorance is bliss

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A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

I spent a great deal of my life being ignored. I was always very happy that way.