The next person to tell me "Merry Christmas" will get a candy cane in their eye!

First Christmas I've had off in 4 years. Best way to spend it? INTERNET.

My mother always told me, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." I believe it's through his sense of humor. Which can usually be reached by a blowjob. Blowjobs are hilarious.

Gentlemen, think strategically when going in for the kill.

My laptop is back in working order! This means that I no longer have to use the iPad's stupid keyboard to type, and I'll actually be able to chat with people. YAY!

Happy Dyngus Day, everyone! Better yet: Happy Get Drunk and Eat Polish Food Day!

Stuck at work because life enjoys mocking me. Chat doesn't work very well on the ol' iPhone. If you're chatting me and not getting me... My bad.

Someone rescue me from my birthday!

Life is good.

2 big pimpin' gifts to level! I gotta start sucking up to people.

Would anyone like to kill my buzz?

I finally get a day off, and nobody wants to play. Lamesauce.

Who haven't I loved today that I should?

My wifi's blowing tonight. Chat's gonna be a tough one. Everyone's been warned.

Pitfall of the iPad: Sleep is impossible when you don't have to boot a laptop and can still fudge around online.

I AM THE MASTER!

Some assembly required? FUCKING PHD REQUIRED.

Hard day at work. Time to unwind so far that I'll never be put back together...

To everyone trying to chat with me: I love you all! I'm sorry though. My iPad doesn't work with that chat, so I can't reply!

Chat doesn't function on my iPad very well. I'm not ignoring anyone, I swear!