I'm only 30 lbs away from my New Year's resolution to lose 20 lbs

If Axel Rose don't say, "Down on your sha, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, knees." before getting a BJ... then he's not as cool as I thought he was.

I'm proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don't want to hang out with you now... but I'm still very proud...

I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.

Me: I'm so over her. Vodka: No you're not, you should text her. Me: Really? Vodka: Hell yes! 25 times.

If any single women want to trade sexual favors private message me :P

A tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of a sheep.

The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed..

I love tan lines... it's like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better

Let's go somewhere. Let's do something. I wanna drive until I run into good weather. Mountains. Beach. Cajun. Snow. Florida. Texas. Idc. Let's go. You drive, I'll buy the gas

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.

I woke up today and realized I had as many tour de France wins as Lance Armstrong. And twice as many testicles... Yep, it's a good day

Meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Wednesday because this is bulls**t."

Ladies, I'm holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.

The next time someone calls you from a blocked number just answer it and say, "Hello, Williamsburg Sperm Bank. You squeeze it - We freeze it." ...See what happens.

Love: Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.

Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it's my modesty that stands out.

Sigh. gettin kinda tired of checking my Fubar for nothing....

1920: "May I have this dance?" 1950: "Want to go to the drive-in?" 1980: "What's your sign?" 2012: "Here's a picture of my pe**s."