I'm not an actor, but I play one on t.v.

Done with work for the day, now it's time to unwind.

To let all my friends know, I recently got a job, thats why I havent been on much.

Got the parts to fix the head gasket in my car. Now I just need a couple days in a row where no one needs to use the car.

i'm thinking of opening a hot dog stand, I'll call it Anne's Franks.

I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll take a look.

Confucius say: Oral sex makes your day, but anal sex makes your hole weak.

I rarely think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised by what comes out of my mouth as everyone else.

Turns out I was totally mistaken, Alien vs. Predator is not a movie about an illegal immigrant fighting a child molester.

I just discovered a incredible quote regarding how a person can be less revealing and more mysterious.

the definition of irony? Getting a chick pregnant on a pull out couch.

Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, b, a, start!

The oil is officially changed on my car

That awkward moment when you walk into Subway and pay them to do something your wife should do for free.

Hella frustrated, I need to do an oil change on my car, and my floor jack decided to take a shit on me.

More sad news from the music industry, Justin Bieber was found alive today in his apartment

This planking craze has gotten way out of hand. The woman next door has been laying outside for the last 3 days.

There are 3 types of people in this world, those who are good at counting, and those who aren't.

If life gives you melons, you might have dyslexia.

‎2 muffins were baking in the oven. One muffin looks to the other one and says damn it's hot in here. The other one looks at the first and says holy shit, it's a talking muffin!