I think my spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.

I am NOT going outside until the temperature is higher than my age !!!

Merry Christmas, my friends! Hope you all get everything you want from Santa and be safe in your travels! Ho Ho Ho!

If I had multiple personalities I would make them all get jobs so i could stay home . . .

If you hold up a shell and listen carefully, you can hear the cashier telling you he doesn't want any trouble . . .

I VOTED!. Now quit the phone calls, soliciting and tv ads. Stop the madness! (I endorse this message)

For those of you contemplating your Halloween costume take note: Having a hairy ass does not constitute a Sasquatch costume. Just sayin'

Today I learned that although there is no "I" in team, there is an "eat" and a "me."

Gonna have to play the lottery tonight...just did a load of laundry and matched all the socks!

Bring Your Child To Work Day must be really awkward for prostitutes.

Never place your happiness in other people's hands. They will drop it...They will drop it every single time!

I'm getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I've got Norton but...

Just saw a guy at the guy do three sets of selfies . . .

What is the real value of a rat's ass? And why do we refuse to give one? If I had one, you'd be welcome to it.

Life lesson # 145: If it ends with rrhea, it's not good.

You'd think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.

Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I'm wide awake. Not sure who won.

Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet!

It's been fun Fubar, but I'm outa here for a while. Ya'll are gonna get me in trouble!!

Yawn (n): Silent scream for coffee