I play in a band, we're the best in the land
We're big in both Chelsea and France
I play one mean guitar and then score at the bar
There's a line of chicks waiting for their chance
So come on now honey, I'll make you feel pretty
These other gals mean nothing to me
Let's finish these drinks and be gone for the night
'Cause I'm more than a handful, you'll see

So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
I'm soaked, I'm soiled and brown
in the trousers, she kissed me
And I only bought her one round

I can bench press a car, I'm an ex football star
with degrees from both Harvard and Yale
Girls just can't keep up, I'm a real love machine
I've had far better sex while in jail
I've designed the Sears Tower, I make two grand an hour
I cook the world's best duck flambe
I'll take the pick of the litter, girls jockey for me
I don't need these lines to get laid

So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
I'm soaked, I'm soiled and brown
in the trousers, she kissed me
And I only bought her one round

I'm a man of the night, a real ladies delight
See my figure was chiseled from stone
One more for the gal then I'll escort her home
Come last call, I'm never alone
I've a house on the hill with a red water bed
That puts Hugh Heffnor's mansion to shame
With girls by the pool and Italian sports cars
I'm just here in this dump for the game

So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
I'm soaked, I'm soiled and brown
in the trousers, she kissed me
And I only bought her one round

So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
I'm soaked, I'm soiled and brown
in the trousers, she kissed me
And I only bought her one round

Ahh, fuck it. Who am I shitting?

I'm a pitiful sight, and I ain't all that bright
I'm definitely not chiseled from stone
I'm a cheat and a liar, no woman's desire
I'll probably die cold and alone

But just give me a chance, 'cause deep down inside
I swear I got a big heart of gold
I'm a monogamous man, no more one night stands
Come on, honey, let me take you home