A lot of people are afraid to talk about their fears... so i'll get mine out of the way..(and no, its not spiders or snakes or anything else of that sort... i love them to be honest)... but my greatest fear is having my heart hurt again... and I have a fear of someone hurting.... Every night.. I lay in bed and think (and sometimes cry)... Is my other half out there somewhere? How much longer am i going to have to come to bed alone and wake up alone? Am I ever going to know what it feels like to be in loving arms? Am I ever going to hear the words "I love you" whispered in my ear? Am I good enough for anyone? Am I going to die alone?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ My parents and my twin brother died when I was 16 in a car crash. (I was the only survivor... but became an instant orphan.) To be honest, I don't really miss my parents much but I really miss my brother. (My dad was never around and my mom was a drunk drug addict.)~ In the crash, I was impaled in the abdomen by a piece of rusty metal. Doctors said that they had to remove my uterus or it would become infected and ultimately kill me. So I went through with the hysterectomy... so now I dont have the gift of having kids of my own.~ After the crash, I was moved to a foster home. I was later transferred from the foster home in Detroit to one in Jackson, TN (they moved me because there was all kinds of abuse in the first foster home.) I got a job as a waitress and got out on my own.~ The first house I had was in Jackson, TN and it was destroyed by a tornado. I moved to New Orleans, LA and my house burned down. (I tried to cook breakfast... I'm a lousy cook... My oatmeal caught fire in the microwave which caused me to forget about the french toast on the stove...lol... and the fire kept growing). I moved back to Jackson, TN and another tornado ripped my house apart in May of '04.~ I then moved to South Carolina... Then things really went downhill from there. ~ I fell in love with a guy named Johnathan in a MacDonald's. But after a week he proposed to me, he changed his ways. At first he became really controlling and then it came to pushing me every now and then. Becoming more and more abusive. Sometimes he brought his friends over so they too could have their way with me.~ The first time I refused to please them all they beat the hell out of me and then had their way with me against my will. So I called the cops. Boy was that a mistake. The next day, they stabbed me in the leg and in the shoulder by them. They told me not to call the cops again or I would get it even worse. The next time they wanted it, I tried my best to keep them off of me but it was hard to do. I was outnumbered. Me against 5 of them. When they left, I called the cops again for assault. When they got out, they put a gun against my head and threatened to kill me. That was the last time I ever tried calling the cops on them.~ I still get terrorized by his friends. Johnathan is now serving 2-3 yrs for trying to kill me. (My neighbor was the one that saved my life that night from him. I don't exactly remember that night cause Johnathan hit me in the head with something... I have a cracked skull from it... then I had a problem with fluid building up in my brain and the draining of it left me with temporary amnesia at the time... but i still can't remember a single thing that happened during the months of August to October.~ Then I fell in love with an extremely wonderful man I met right here on Hoverspot. His name is Mike... I still love him with all my heart. But just recently he told me goodbye and we went our seperate ways... ~ So now... here I am... I just recently got out from living in my car and I am currently staying at a friend's house....but I really dont like it here. Johnathan's friends (the people who still terrorize me) are also living here.... so i'm kinda stuck in this one room here. I won't leave this room unless its absolutely necessary. So I basically go to work and come back here.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ok, ok... a lot of people have been asking me a lot of questions about the bar I work at and what exactly I do there... so i'll put it here... but I can't give too much info out about it because its a private bar........... I work at a private biker bar as a waitress/dancer(some call it stripping.)(No you do not have to be a biker to be a member of the bar. Its just that a majority of the people there are bikers. I own a shitty Jetta... never been on a bike in my life.)~ Now don't get me wrong.. I'm a good dancer.. Its just that the other waitresses work the pole better than I do... its just amazing how they can wind up upside on that thing. If I tried that, i'd wind up doing a face plant in the ground...lol... I don't get up there much. Just every now and then (only when they really really want me up there) On slow days, a guy friend (a regualar that seems to always be there) helps me out by critiqing me and telling me what I can do... from a guys point of view...~ I love it there at the bar. Its like a big family there. The regulars are a bunch of loving teddy bears once you get to know them.(And no... I dont know anything about "biker groups." I dont really pay attention to things like that.) At the bar, we have back rooms for waitresses to make even more tips... if you know what i mean. But i'm not one of them. The regulars know that I don't do that sort of thing and they respect it and they never ask me if I could do them back there. They tend to be a little protective toward me. Especially when Johnathan and his friends show up at the bar (now its just his friends showing up at the bar since Johnathan is in jail.) They know their boundaries. When to get between me and Johnathan and the gang and when not to. They would never do anything to make things worse for me cause I still have to deal with them outside the bar.>>> if there is anything else you want to know... just ask.