In the begining, there was nothing. Then God created the Heavens and Earth in 6 days. On the seventh he rested. I roundhouse kicked God in the jaw for being such a pusst and took over.

My first act was skull fucking the Earth into submission. This in turn created the Bering Straight.

Then some guy named Jesus came to Earth. Jesus turned water into wine. I turned wine into a bad temper and an aggravated assault.

I have been vital to all parts of history. Even nomadic third-world tribes know of me and my unmatched excellency. Afterall, I am the reason civilization ceases to exist in several parts of the world.

When Abraham Lincoln was building his log cabin, I sat under a shady elm tree, drinking lemonade. When Abe asked me for a sip to quench his thirst, I stared at him in the eye and poured the lemonade to the ground. I then round-house kicked Lincoln's teeth out.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending me, Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

The idea for "The Incredible Hulk" came about when Stan Lee witnessed me trying to solve a rubix cube. I spun each side twice, and when the puzzle wasn't solved, I threw a subway car full of people into a Subway restaurant full of people.

I then took some time off. I spent 10 years in a tiger cage in Vietnam. Not because I was caught by the Vietcong, but because I wanted to spend some time alone with my thoughts.

I caused the 80's band Genesis to break up. Not because of artistic differences, but because I demanded that one member of the band follow me around at all times to perform live theme music for my daily life. Phil Collins provides personal favorites "I can't dance" and "One more night" for my workouts and a personal montage for trying on funny hats and tank tops. Also, all roundhouse kicks to the face are emphasized with an emphatic "SSussudiO!!!!" Meanwhile, Peter Gabriel croons the Chuck and the ladies to my personal love-making tune, "Sledgehammer".

I slept through 9/11. My bedroom was on the 73rd floor.

Sure, I've kept busy with movies and TV here and there, but I'm just a normal guy who lives in Texas with my wife and 874 Vietnamese slave children.

A Force of One, The Octagon, Lone Wolf McQuade, Missing in Action, Missing in Action 2: The Beginning, The Delta Force, Braddock: Missing in Action III, Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection, Walker Texas Ranger 3: Deadly Reunion, Walker, Texas Ranger: Trial by Fire, Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.

I hate anything with Bruce Lee. There was a scene from Return of the Dragon where Bruce Lee was supposed to throw me down by the chest hair...Bruce Lee is dead now.

Chuck Norris idolizes only one, and that is Chuck Norris.

Hell, when I look at the sun, the sun looks away.