The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.

To have great poets, there must be great audiences.

When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business.

The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.

Just because you’re taught that something’s right and everyone believes it’s right, it don’t make it right.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

monsters from the id

I and me are always too deeply in conversation.

Enjoy life. This is not a dress rehearsal.

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it.

Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.

As I've gotten older I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; nobody should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

I’m pretty confident my last words are going to be, “ Well shit - that didn’t work out !

Idolizing a politician is like believing the stripper really likes you.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.