Life is like a box of chocolates - you think you're going to get something delicious, but you learn after biting into it that it's got that nasty raspberry filling, and you can never get that aftertaste out of your mouth. Man, fuck life.

All I need is a big pimpin' gift to level up! Schweet!

Apple's iPad is not compatible with cement. - A Tip from the Pro

We deep-fried a turkey and nothing caught on fire. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

What a miserable day. Could use some cheering up.

Life Lesson #1: A woman inquires, "Why do you think my customers love me so much?" "Boobs" is not the proper response... unless she's a stripper.

If I wanted to be treated like a dick, I'd already be in your girlfriend.

"Let me be drunk and scientific for a minute."

Life's a beach. No, sorry. I meant bitch.